A father never forgets Jeff Daniels.
I’ve texted my wife ‘pee break strategy’ for Timberlake show.
Example: after SexyBack (4th song) he does 2 songs from new album.
Don’t retweet that.
Also, bring a fake mustache and use the men’s room.
Did my family members change the game with that digital drop?
chopsticks should be yumchucks.
call me weird
But i don’t like that Tr*mp sexually harasses his daughter Ivanka
IN FACT IT MAKES ME SO SICK
The Devil’s Triangle
*cautiously lifting paperweight* so…
The truth is, I haven’t been on the same page as anyone since 1997.
I won’t settle for any man who doesn’t treat me like this back alley dog I just met
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I thin…
How many calories does having to remember 683 passwords burn?
If your jet ski catches on fire in a fjord the Norwegian coast guard just raise their swords and drink a toast to you.
Having a son is kind of like having a less affectionate or happy to see me wet dog.
He thinks he so fun😂🤗
if ur vegan make sure u don’t drink any gasoline bc it’s made of dinosaurs
I admire many, I envy no one.
"I don’t think I’ve ever felt more shocked by the awfulness of anyone described in an #AskPolly letter before," writes @hhavrilesky
Policies aside, I remain convinced that much of the knee-jerk male reaction to AOC and just young, attractive, outspoken female political figures in general is the fact that they look like women men want to sleep with, not like women they expect to tell them what to do.
Gotta get those last 18 holes in. Let’s just hope a third mass shooting doesn’t ruin his back 9.
I dare you to drink every time Biden says Obama tonight. @TalesDarkSide will.
“All told, at least 15 million people across the United States are currently being warned of dangerously high temperatures t…
One day I will break 1,000 followers and on that day I shall gasp, and proclaim "WOW! THIS MEANS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!"
I blame pretty much everything on algorithms.
So so happy that people finally know @aclevine86 wrote the ClickHole Garbage Sons quiz. He is easily one of the funniest writers alive
I get to spend today with the children of my family. But this world clearly sucks. So I’m also donating again to National Bail Out
I went viral on Saturday and it was...incredible. The parties, the cash, the drugs. Now, it’s Wednesday and my house in the hills has been seized, I’m being blasted on tmz (pregnancy rumors), and my crew (squad) has abandoned me. Guess fame isn’t all it’s cracked up to be...
I wish more TV shows were choose your own adventure
Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
*pronounces surface like Versace*
There are some ppl here @DancesWithTamis @SortaBad @dearjhonletter @SamGrittner @jonnysun @senderblock23 @bromanconsul @B…
Thank you for helping make last night special sis . We are forever thankful for your time , support , and beautiful energy . 🙏🏿💓 @chescaleigh
Tonite! 8pm! Love doing this (FREE!) show esp when line up is this goooood @maxsilvestri @caraconnscomedy @paigeweldon @ay…
Me before Twitter vs me after Twitter
Spooky season is upon us, and Netflix is happy to deliver.
Don’t deploy on Fridays, friends
🗣 IT’S FREE TO PREORDER LET’S GOOOOOOOOO NO EXCUSES JUST DO IT